My Unfunny Valentine

This morning as I was sifting through Minnesota Public Radio's list of the greatest love songs, the song that they listed first was "My Funny Valentine," as performed by Rufus Wainwright. I'm not saying that MPR sees this as the best love song -- the mix seems to be in a random order -- but listing it first sure indicates that they see it as a love song, which I never have.

To give some background, I am most familiar with the song through Elvis Costello's performance. I am aware that performance can do a lot for a song, so perhaps Rufus Wainwright's version doesn't sound so creepy (one can hope), but for me Elvis's version is chilling. And I don't think that Costello is necessarily creepy-sounding; he makes a convincing case of himself as a lovefool on the criminally underrated b-side "From Head To Toe." I think that Costello is perhaps revealing what I also see in "My Funny Valentine," a pathological stalker mentality.

Here are the lyrics for those unfamiliar with them:

My funny valentine,
sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable,
unphotographable
But you're my favourite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

Don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine's day

"Your looks are laughable" sounds nothing like a compliment, more like an about-to be-a-breakup comment. That's not so creepy..., but what about "you're my favorite work of art"? This portrays someone's mate as something which is crafted in order to make the partner happy. The speaker here is obviously a control freak who wants to mold his woman (taking context from the original musical) away from her truest nature and into his ideal of perfection. Ick!

"Is your figure less than Greek" sounds a little insulting. but asking "are you smart?" just takes the cake. The wording is so condescending there. It's like taking the cake and rubbing it in your lover's face, and not in a silly funny way. If this is a love song, it is only one for the emotional sadists.

"Don't change a hair for me / not if you care for me" begins again by trying to force the aforementioned lover to act in a certain way, and then in the second line guilts the lover into doing what her man asks because it will hurt his feelings if she doesn't. Its her own hair. She should have final say over it. The end.